Triple mess
June 19, 2008
I have always been the calm, wise, not-doing-anything-irrational kind of girl when it comes to love. Just long-term, steady, loving and caring relationships. You know the thing: honesty, monogamy (depending on your definition, that is), good communication, all of it. And it worked for me.
Until my Great Love broke up with me that is. Now I feel the strains of a love life like that. And now I try hard to let go, be impulsive, be irrational. Or, to be more specific: to make a complete and utter mess out of my love- and sexlife while having loads of fun.
And it turns out I have such a talent for that! Just slowly getting over my ex, I already have a “NO, we definitely do not have a relationship (but we are somewhat in love with each other, spend a lot of time together and above all have passionate sex)“-thing going on with a good friend. Lets call him Fling Guy. We are getting closer by the week, and by now absolutely nobody (besides ourselves) believes we don’t have a relationship. I don’t want this to get more serious, but he’s really great. I can’t really help myself falling for him somewhat. At least he knows I am not ready at all for a new relationship. And me going abroad to university in a few months is a great help in keeping things casual. But still: a mess.
Then there is the nice guy I met online (let’s call him Dominant Man), on a bdsm-forum. As we share the same hobbies, we met IRL twice. And he was nice enough (hmmm, I doubt it) to say that he would like to help me experience bondage if I want to. That is: to invite me to his place, have me strip semi-naked and then tie me up. So we did last night. It wasn’t bad, but he intimidates the hell out of me. Mostly because he is 47. Forty-seven, what the fuck am I thinking?! I am happy to experience this though, it felt scary and great. I am quite sure we both want to do it again.
But still: a double mess.
And then there is the bdsm-thing. As long as I’ve been having sex, I have known that I’m submissive. (Disclaimer: when I want to and with the right person). So I thought I knew I was a straight sub. But just while I explore my sub-side with DM, I get all these sadist and dominant feelings while I’m with FG… So obviously I am confused now. How did that happen? And how the fuck do you do that, be dominant? And how do I combine that with being submissive? And, and…
There you are: triple mess.
Well, at least I’m having fun.
