Taboo, really?
October 23, 2008
Okay, loads of stuff has happened in the last month! But first there is something I need to get straight, in order to, hopefully, understand it.
I am taking a course on the history of sexuality (fascinating!). During a seminar, we were discussing what “good” and “bad” sex, in the general opinion, was in 1980 and is now. So basically we were making a list (mind you: instead of discussing whether or not there actually is such a thing as a dichotomy between good and bad sex. That sucked already) of current ideas on what is considered good/accepted sex and what is bad/taboo sex. The list of taboo sexualities consisted only of six, really. Frighteningly, three of those are part of my sexuality!
Casual sex was not regarded taboo, unless while in a relationship. So open relationships are not generally approved. Some kink is regarded alright, but serious full-blown SM is taboo. And, most surprisingly, intergenerational relationships were on the shortlist as well.
Great, just great: I am in an open D/s (SM-relationship) with a 26-year age gap…
Ashamed as I am to admit it, I didn’t even dare to tell them out of fear of offending someone! I was distressed by people saying that all of my relationship is taboo. Of course they were academic enough to specify that opinions on what is taboo are very varied: it depends on age, place, social group, culture. But I assume these people, my peers, were talking about their own environment, which is my environment as well!
But if ideas on what is or isn’t accepted vary that much, isn’t it much more useful to maybe use different categories? In my experience it most people do not think in terms of good and bad sex. People seem to be very open to many different sexual identities, as long as you explain it to them. The difference is not in acceptability, but in the amount of explanation needed before people accept a certain sexuality. Most people nowadays accept homosexuality, no questions asked. Some people might be unsure as to how bisexuality ‘works’. This does not mean bisexuality is taboo, it just means that at this time it may need some more explanation.
It has been my experience that people can accept all of my relationship. But it does take much explaining (I am not a golddigger, actually he is poor, I am not some sad beaten-up girl, this is actually what I like, we do have the freedom to sleep with others, that does not diminish our feelings towards each other, this is right for us), loads of explaining. And to me that is different from it not being accepted. My sexuality is just more unusual, and therefore needs more explanation.
The dichotomy of good/bad or accepted/taboo sexuality does not seem to make sense to me. It actually complicates the situation because it creates a problem that is not there, and simplifies our views on sexuality by categorising it so strictly. Sex is highly personal, is not about wrong or right, but about being able to understand one another.
