Taboo, really?

October 23, 2008

Okay, loads of stuff has happened in the last month! But first there is something I need to get straight, in order to, hopefully, understand it.

I am taking a course on the history of sexuality (fascinating!). During a seminar, we were discussing what “good” and “bad” sex, in the general opinion, was in 1980 and is now. So basically we were making a list (mind you: instead of discussing whether or not there actually is such a thing as a dichotomy between good and bad sex. That sucked already) of current ideas on what is considered good/accepted sex and what is bad/taboo sex. The list of taboo sexualities consisted only of six, really. Frighteningly, three of those are part of my sexuality!

Casual sex was not regarded taboo, unless while in a relationship. So open relationships are not generally approved. Some kink is regarded alright, but serious full-blown SM is taboo. And, most surprisingly, intergenerational relationships were on the shortlist as well.

Great, just great: I am in an open D/s (SM-relationship) with a 26-year age gap…

Ashamed as I am to admit it, I didn’t even dare to tell them out of fear of offending someone! I was distressed by people saying that all of my relationship is taboo. Of course they were academic enough to specify that opinions on what is taboo are very varied: it depends on age, place, social group, culture. But I assume these people, my peers, were talking about their own environment, which is my environment as well!

But if ideas on what is or isn’t accepted vary that much, isn’t it much more useful to maybe use different categories? In my experience it most people do not think in terms of good and bad sex. People seem to be very open to many different sexual identities, as long as you explain it to them. The difference is not in acceptability, but in the amount of explanation needed before people accept a certain sexuality. Most people nowadays accept homosexuality, no questions asked. Some people might be unsure as to how bisexuality ‘works’. This does not mean bisexuality is taboo, it just means that at this time it may need some more explanation.

It has been my experience that people can accept all of my relationship. But it does take much explaining (I am not a golddigger, actually he is poor, I am not some sad beaten-up girl, this is actually what I like, we do have the freedom to sleep with others, that does not diminish our feelings towards each other, this is right for us), loads of explaining. And to me that is different from it not being accepted. My sexuality is just more unusual, and therefore needs more explanation.

The dichotomy of good/bad or accepted/taboo sexuality does not seem to make sense to me. It actually complicates the situation because it creates a problem that is not there, and simplifies our views on sexuality by categorising it so strictly. Sex is highly personal, is not about wrong or right, but about being able to understand one another.



September 19, 2008

Pffff….. My head is just buzzing with too many things to do and think, so much that I do not even have the time to feel guilty about not having posted in forever. I will try to do that so soon, though: I expect to have tons of thing to tell and be excited about!

Next week I’ll move to the UK, to study for a term. I’m excited, it has been almost 11 months since I took any classes, guess it will take me some time to get used to studying again. Also, I will have my first Freshers week soon. I’m curious what that will be like.. Having graduated from high school 4 years ago, I’m afraid that I might have a hard time connecting to those young Freshers I’ll share the campus with.

As a way to deal with that, I already arranged to do volunteer-work on the University. Starting Freshers week, I’ll talk to students on safe sex and alcohol and drug use. Think: handing out condoms and saying that too much drinking will get you fat. Or something, I’m not really sure yet. But I’m already looking forward to it: there’s nothing I’m talented at like talking about sex all day ;)…

On the other hand, I already worry about missing DM.

Second thought: I don’t. I simply don’t have the time for that! So please excuse me while I pack, shop, throw a goodbye-party, arrange rent payments, exchange money, have my last workday with my former employer and have great I’ll-miss-you-and-goodbye-sex.

D/s II

August 11, 2008

Its been a while since I posted, because I, well… lets say I’ve been distracted.

Last post I wondered what would happen on an evening of dance-practice with Dominant Man. Quite a lot, I can say! Halfway the evening we discussed whether it’s easier to follow someone’s lead while blindfolded. I, stubbornly,  claimed that it wouldn’t matter, because I dance with my eyes closed anyway. So he got a blindfold an put it on me… and didn’t take it off until hours later. Hot, sweaty, painful, thrilling, horny, excruciating hours later. He was right, a blindfold does matter: it puts me right into sub-mode. He cuffed my hands together, spanked me, hit me with a lot of things I don’t remember (and some of which I do: I had bruises from the cane until a week later), undressed me somewhere along the line, almost made me come. It’s all very hazy in my mind, so I’m not sure what happened and in which order, but it was great.

That man really knows how to have sex, how to dominate. I’ve had my share of good sex, but this…

After which we cuddled, kissed, cuddled en kissed some more. Last few weeks we spent dancing, swimming, talking, doing whatever fun stuff, and having extremely great bdsm-sex on a regular basis. And I fell in love. A lot, not just a fling thing… He feels the same way, it’s amazing. We’re so different yet such a good match.

So now we have a D/s (yes, my second one…) and also a relationship. Wow, what the fuck happened there? A relationship?! It really got serious in a short while. Yesterday morning I woke up next to him. Another woman on my other side, a lot of friends were staying over and three people fit easily in his huge bed. I turned around and he hugged me, still half asleep. And then it hit me: I really am going to miss him when I’m away. Miss him a lot.


And then there still is the age-difference thing. He is 27 years older.. I’ve decided: fuck it, we’ll see. It’s great and wonderful for now, the future is another day.

So that’s what I’ve been up to, how about you?


July 21, 2008

I have found the fifth option! Just when I stopped looking for it, there it was. You know how stuff like that goes..

Just like that, out of nowhere, our odd not-realy-a-relationship has changed into a D/s. Oh, please Lilith, please, tell us what a D/s is! Well, allright then. A D/s is a relationship that comes in many forms and is between an Dominant and a submissive partner. It can be mostly casual, just sex, or it can be a lifetime commitment like a marriage. Ours is mostly casual of course, although I do love him. And, most fun of all, I get to dominate FG!! It’s absolutely great, loads of fun, and so loving and beautiful!

So yes: I do hit him, tie him up, bruise him and have him sit at my feet. I do that because that’s what we both want. And besides that it’s all very cute (and hot! I just love a naked strong man with bitemarks and bruises, on his knees and with his hands cuffed behind his back.). Just this Friday he made me beautiful earrings with the keys to his handcuffs hanging from them. Isn’t that sweet? And at a BDSM-party last Saturday we got many comments on how loving and sweetly I dominate him. I’m so happy we found this, I admit slightly unorthodox, way to be together. This just really works, at least for now.

But I promised myself I will take your good advice to heart. This D/s will be all “carpe diem” and have a positive (not completely depressing-yet-sexy-fatalist) attitude. How does that sound?

And then there is always more… DM and FG have met at the party and they got along great! DM even gave me a small bondage-workshop with FG as the test-object. DM seems to be all into poly people and is very interested in dominating me. And, my god, would I love for that to happen! I’ll see him again tomorrow, wonder what will happen… (Yes, I’m getting my hopes up.. It’s just that he’s such an attractive man! Damn.)

Some days everything is just right.

Yesterday I spent swimming in the Rhine, waving at boats and wild horses. And after that having fantastic sex on the bathroom floor of FG’s parents house. Life’s beautiful.

Train wrack

June 30, 2008

Oh dear..

I did see it coming, now I truly screwed it up. Remember Fling Guy, the guy I’ve slept with for a few months now? I knew I was falling for him, but I was truly hoping he wouldn’t fall for me. Yet, since yesterday it’s out in the open: even though we don’t want to, we are (somewhat, I’m hesitant) in love with each other. Damn!

There are a million reasons we shouldn’t be together. For instance: we’re both on the rebound, I’ll be moving to the UK in a few months, we’re both not looking for a relationship (or anything resembling monogamy of that matter). But mostly, it’s because I’m just to tough. If you’re in a relationship with me you’d better be strong, because I tend to walk all over the people I love. Isn’t that horrible?? And I know he can’t handle that (and so does he, we’ve talked about this). FG admits he probably isn’t strong enough for this, and I so don’t want to hurt him! We both know that this somewhat-relationship will end a total train wrack.

Now there are a few options on what to do now:

1: Just go on the way we have: a completely-fake not-relationship that will blow up in our faces. Plus; how long can you fake this when you’ve said you love each other?

2: I’ll try to be nice… This will work for a while, but it’ll be fake. One day I’ll explode and say all the things I should have said before. And FG will end up hurt.

3: Stop it right now. Yeah, right. Like that’s going to happen… I should, but it’s just too much fun. He is so great and special (and the sex is amazing, how could I quit?)

And then FG came with a brilliant fourth option:

4: Complete and utter train wrack. Don’t you just love fatalism in a man? His idea is: going on having sex, being friends and loving each other. And at the same time sleeping around a lot (!!), and talking about that together. It’s genius: when you aim for disaster, then horrible will feel less bad. God, I love this plan, and the sick mind that came up with it!

But please, is there a fifth option? Something we didn’t think about? Something that will make all the trainwracks go away? I’m lost, I really need some advice.

Triple mess

June 19, 2008

I have always been the calm, wise, not-doing-anything-irrational kind of girl when it comes to love. Just long-term, steady, loving and caring relationships. You know the thing: honesty, monogamy (depending on your definition, that is), good communication, all of it. And it worked for me.

Until my Great Love broke up with me that is. Now I feel the strains of a love life like that. And now I try hard to let go, be impulsive, be irrational. Or, to be more specific: to make a complete and utter mess out of my love- and sexlife while having loads of fun.

And it turns out I have such a talent for that! Just slowly getting over my ex, I already have a “NO, we definitely do not have a relationship (but we are somewhat in love with each other, spend a lot of time together and above all have passionate sex)“-thing going on with a good friend. Lets call him Fling Guy. We are getting closer by the week, and by now absolutely nobody (besides ourselves) believes we don’t have a relationship. I don’t want this to get more serious, but he’s really great. I can’t really help myself falling for him somewhat. At least he knows I am not ready at all for a new relationship. And me going abroad to university in a few months is a great help in keeping things casual. But still: a mess.

Then there is the nice guy I met online (let’s call him Dominant Man), on a bdsm-forum. As we share the same hobbies, we met IRL twice. And he was nice enough (hmmm, I doubt it) to say that he would like to help me experience bondage if I want to. That is: to invite me to his place, have me strip semi-naked and then tie me up. So we did last night. It wasn’t bad, but he intimidates the hell out of me. Mostly because he is 47. Forty-seven, what the fuck am I thinking?! I am happy to experience this though, it felt scary and great. I am quite sure we both want to do it again.

But still: a double mess.

And then there is the bdsm-thing. As long as I’ve been having sex, I have known that I’m submissive. (Disclaimer: when I want to and with the right person). So I thought I knew I was a straight sub. But just while I explore my sub-side with DM, I get all these sadist and dominant feelings while I’m with FG… So obviously I am confused now. How did that happen? And how the fuck do you do that, be dominant? And how do I combine that with being submissive? And, and…

There you are: triple mess.

Well, at least I’m having fun.